No, We’re Not Expecting

But thought you might enjoy a chuckle with this:

A Bible Study on Pregnancy

Enlarging belly:
Your waist is a (heaping) mound of wheat, encircled by lilies (ok, very long lilies). -Song of Solomon 7:2b

Morning sickness:
You yourself will suffer severe sickness, a lingering disease of the bowels, day after day (after day after day…). – 2 Chronicles 21:15

Flatulence:
We were with child, we writhed in pain, but gave birth only to wind. – Isaiah 26:18a

Urination:
Go. – Matthew 28:19
Yes, go… – Exodus 2:8a
Run… – 1 Samuel 20:36
Run now! – 2 Kings 4:26

Pregnancy diet:
If you find honey, eat just enough. Too much of it, and you will vomit.
– Proverbs 25:16

Maternity clothing:
Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide. Spare not! Lengthen all your cords. – Isaiah 54:2

Maternity underwear:
And you shall make for them linen breeches to cover their loins; from
the torso even unto the thighs they shall reach. – Exodus 28:42

Sleep:
The bed is too small to stretch out on; the blanket too narrow to stretch around you. – Isaiah 28:20

Absentmindedness:
Even as (she) walks along the road, the fool lacks sense and shows
everyone how stupid (she) is. – Ecclesiastes 10:2

Medical restriction from sex:
Then the Lord became angry with me and said, “You shall not enter.”
– Deuteronomy 1:37

Baby kicking during church:
The mountain skipped like a ram; the hills like little lambs.
-Psalm 114:4

Water Breaking:
You are a garden fountain, a well of flowing water streaming down from
Lebanon. – Song of Solomon 4:15

If the clouds are full of water, they will pour rain upon the earth.
– Ecclesiastes 11:3a

Hospital attire:
Strip off your lovely clothes, put sackcloth around your waists. -Isaiah 33:11

Bad breath during labor:
(Her) breath sets coals ablaze, and flames dart from (her) mouth.
-Job 41:21

Husbands during labor:
It is not permitted them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience to their spouses, as the Law says. -1 Corinthians 14:34

Do not be overrighteous, neither be overwise – why destroy yourself?
– Ecclesiastes 7:16

Overdue:
You are a garden locked up, my sister, my bride. You are a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain (no, mountain). -Song of Solomon 4:12

Labor not progressing:
My soul is in anguish. How long, O Lord, how long? Turn, O Lord,
and deliver me! – Psalm 6:3-4

Epesiotomy:
He opened the doors of the temple, and then he repaired them.
– 2 Chronicles 29:3

Nursing:
I would give you spiced wine to drink, the nectar of my pomegranates. – Song of Solomon 8:2b.

Nursing bras:
Therefore, put on the full armor of God…with the breastplate of righteousness firmly in place. -Ephesians 6:11,14

Breast pumps:
Beat your breasts — for the fruit of the vines. Isaiah 32:12

Any dignity you’ve ever had is gone forever:
I am a handmaiden of the Lord. – Luke 1:38

Written by Mary Elizabeth Hall, with love, for my fellow preggos at Community Bible Study in Opelika, AL in March 1996

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1 Comment

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One response to “No, We’re Not Expecting

  1. Hi Mary Elizabeth, I had to comment on this as it just made my morning! It was so funny and clever. I am part of a group of young women (I'm the grandma) who love to write and are stay-at-home-moms. I'd love to share this piece with them when it is my turn to contribute to our blog (http://makinghomeworkblog.blogspot.com/) next month. If that's possible, please email me at sally44 AT bellsouthDOTnet (trying to avoid the spambots) Thanks!

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