The New Proverbs 31 Woman


By Mary Elizabeth Hall (originally published in Home Educating Family Magazine)


 An excellent, up-to-date wife who can find?

She don’t live in your house – she sure ain’t in mine!

 She rises at midnight, I’m not quite sure how;

For devotions and email, then milking the cow.

 She charges her cell while she jogs to her barn,

And formats her hard drive while spinning her yarn.

 She’s networked her kitchen, her laundry, and stable.

There’s a wireless LAN hub on her sewing table.

 Now charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,

But she’s got them both—plus high bandpass gain!

 She keeps fit and trim with Zumba and Pilates,

She bakes her own sprouted-grain, carb-less Biscottis.

 Her husband is happy, his dinner’s cooked right!

And she steams up the windows with him every night.

 She has eighteen children and wants to have more.

She birthed most of them while re-grouting her floor.

 She hand-washes diapers embroidered with silk,

And makes her own yogurt from fresh mother’s milk.

 She sews clothes from cornhusks—from only the best,

And makes little dollies to sell from the rest.

 She has her own website and trims her own locks,

And cuts UPC seals from each cereal box.

 But nobody knows what those companies do

With those little UPC seals—now, do you?

 Her children are perfect, they say she is bless’t.

She Ezzo’s the babies and Tripp’s all the rest.

 She homeschools in Greek using Vine’s, Smith’s, & Strong’s

She writes her own math and geography songs.

 She’s committed the Bible to their memory,

And they’ve re-memorized it in the new ESV!

 They read only Puritan literature too,

She knows what “vouchsafe” means—now tell me, do you?

 She can spell “ichthyologist,” “slough”, and “excess.”

She knows where Nizhneangarsk is.  You impressed?

 She drives to piano, and soccer, and more.

Fits eighty-five hours in each twenty four!

 She feeds her whole family on twelve cents a day,

In a strictly organic, non-lacto, veg way.

 Which means they eat soybeans grown right in their yard.

She pre-chews them first so that none of em’s hard.

 There’s no fear of weather, her cellar’s arrayed

With water and canned goods left from Y2K.

 She keeps yaks and emus, plows her fields with oxen,

And chases each environmental toxin.

 She looks at a field with consulting firm staff,

And extends her hands by automatic-draft.

 Her home is always sparkling bright,

She cleanses her air with ionized light.

 Well, I could go on here, but I think I’ll stop.

Just reading this over makes me want to drop!

 If these things exceed all your dreams and desires,

Remember they’re more than our Scripture requires.

 When we strive to emulate what we are not,

We may impress folks, but we won’t impress God.

 And what is the point of impressing each other?

Does it minister to our sisters and brothers?

 We should do good things, but with right motivation—

With warm, grateful hearts filled with pure adulation!

 For God seeks the hearts of those who want to pray,

Who know that they need His forgiveness each day.

 Because there’s not one of us who can achieve

What our awesome Lord did for us, if we believe.

 So my son, if you find such a girl, stay away –

Go read your Galatians, and Mommy will pray!